Thursday, November 1, 2012
Socialism?
Socialism....how much power this word holds...?
But what does it really mean? It probably depends on you. Where you were born? What race are you? Who were your parents? How much money did they make? How much family support did they have? What school district did you attend?
I was lucky in many respects. I was born white, in the mid west, to a middle income family, in a Norman Rockwell little town. I don't remember ever knowing what it was like to want something, or think I was lacking something my neighbor had. Sure, there were the rich kids that had a bigger house, nicer clothes, took better vacations, and knew their parents would pay for whatever they wanted to pursue. But, I was raised by a hard working union man, and during my summers, I was privileged enough to spend time with my Granddad who was the same.
When I was in my junior year of high school, I was smacked in the face with my first taste of sexism. It came from within my own home. I was told that my parents couldn't help me to go college because they had 2 sons that would have to support families. I was patted on the head and told to go be a wife and mother. And, I was one of the lucky ones.
I see way too many of those that grew up within my Norman Rockwell community talking about the lazy, uninspired, and the system sucking people. If we all just worked harder, and believed in one religion we would be collectively GREAT!
But, what about those that weren't as privileged in their early years?
Imagine being a child in the mountains of West Virginia, Tennessee, or the rough streets of a major city. How about instead of having my feelings hurt because I didn't win our lunch time beauty contest on the play ground, I was sharing a text book with 4 other kids, or having my classes in the gym because the ceiling was leaking in my math room? Or worse yet, if I hadn't eaten or my mom lived in a homeless shelter because she lost her job.
It is beyond my comprehension how any of us can think the we all have the same opportunity in this country, we don't. There are kids that have never touched a computer, let alone raised playing with an iphone in our car seat.
Why is it that the place of an American's birth gets to dictate how successful they become? And if we examine that, what is successful? Is it the hard working coal miner who has health problems, but has worked himself harder than any Wall Street executive, but still goes home and helps his kids with homework and they go to bed feeling loved? Is it the single mom who works 3 jobs to put food on the table, but still can't afford healthcare and sits in an ER all night because one of her babies has a fever? Is it someone who has seen prejudice and forgoes a high paying job to work at a non profit and makes a difference? Or is it just about money, houses, cars, bank accounts and 401K totals?
I find soul in the common good. By that, I don't mean let's all pool our money and hand it out equally to all, which is what most think is the definition of socialism. But, when there is a natural disaster and people are suffering, that is where I want my tax dollars to go. I want education to be an absolute right, all the technology, good teachers, text books etc for EVERY child born in the UNITED States of America.
Only when that happens, will we truly be able to call someone lazy, uninspired, less than (which so many of us love to do because it makes up feel better about ourselves) the other "hard working" Americans that are supporting them.
We love to feel that we know more, but the old sayings are just that because they are true. Unless you have walked a mile in a mans/womens shoes, don't assume you know how how hard they work. Don't assume you know what dreams they have for their children that may never come true, because they couldn't afford to move to a better school district with bigger houses and a bigger tax base.
If you search history, you will see that every time America tried to help the masses, any type of public education, public roads, or police and fire fighters, the privileged screamed socialism.
The truth is, all of us want the same things. Men, women, rich, poor, white, black, latino, American Indian, Gay, etc. We want to be able to live and or raise our kids in a healthy, productive, success driven environment. We don't want to worry about losing everything if we get sick, even if we worked everyday of our lives except for maybe a recent layoff. We want to be able to buy insurance again if were unfortunate enough to be a cancer survivor and our companies shipped our jobs to China. We want the money that we have paid since we were 18 (I'm 54, Romney/Ryan will only grandfather in Social Security participants at 55 and over)to help us in our old age. We want to know that if a natural disaster happens, the taxes we have paid will have someone there to help us in a moment of crisis, to lift us out of our flooded, burnt of tornado damaged home.
None of what I just wrote is Socialism, it is about being a human being. A human being that when asked, would help their fellow Americans.
How did we become a country of people that are socially moving backwards? When did we start to think that if you are different, you don't deserve or earn the same rights of the privileged few?
Last thought. How many of those that keep talking about doing away with FEMA, went to a Red Cross this week and donated blood, or opened their wallets and donated money? If not, and you are one of those Neo-cons, YOU, are not an American in the truest sense of the word..
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
This too shall pass...
When I was 18, I thought I knew everything. I had my son a year later and knew that I had matured by leaps and bounds. The years that followed, children, countless moves, heartache, laughter, loss, divorce, love, and simple daily living, has taught me that when you get it, really get it, you almost regress to the sponge like learning of a child.
I can't remember a time when I felt I was learning as much daily as I feel I am now. I am not saying that the lessons I learned as a child didn't fundamentally form my ability to know right from wrong, or how to be empathetic almost to a fault, but real growth came much later and continues.
I think back to when a high school relationship broke up, or I wasn't allowed to go to an event my friends attended, and thinking that I would never recover from the devastation. I have now faced having one of my children nearly die in front of me, not once, not twice, but three times. I have lost my precious mentor, my Granddad, and recently, the death of my beloved hero, my Father.
How I wish I could impart some of that wisdom on my children and grandchildren when I see them presented with challenges that will be forgotten in a decade, but in the moment feel crushing.
I guess the real lesson to be learned, is that when your elders, whether a mom, dad, favored aunt, uncle, grandparent, say "this too shall pass", understand that indeed it will.
I can't remember a time when I felt I was learning as much daily as I feel I am now. I am not saying that the lessons I learned as a child didn't fundamentally form my ability to know right from wrong, or how to be empathetic almost to a fault, but real growth came much later and continues.
I think back to when a high school relationship broke up, or I wasn't allowed to go to an event my friends attended, and thinking that I would never recover from the devastation. I have now faced having one of my children nearly die in front of me, not once, not twice, but three times. I have lost my precious mentor, my Granddad, and recently, the death of my beloved hero, my Father.
How I wish I could impart some of that wisdom on my children and grandchildren when I see them presented with challenges that will be forgotten in a decade, but in the moment feel crushing.
I guess the real lesson to be learned, is that when your elders, whether a mom, dad, favored aunt, uncle, grandparent, say "this too shall pass", understand that indeed it will.
Friday, June 24, 2011
How does your garden grow?
As an avid gardener, I find my time "playing" in the dirt to be my therapy. No outside noise and the ones in mind head usually go to the lowest common denominator, like the last, worst song I have heard. It's a good thing that I don't live very close to my neighbors, because I am pretty sure that someone would have called the white coats, for the nutty lady who talks and sings to herself, and or her plants. When I talk out loud it is often to my Granddad who gave me the love of growing. I wish he could answer my damn questions!
What I have learned over the years is how little I know. I make mistakes every single year and each one makes me a better gardener. I know how to plant the fastest growing tomatoes in the area. I have learned that my neighbors horses can be my gardens best friend. I have learned that it is cheaper to buy your own annuals than to try to be a superstar and grow them by seeds and spend half a paychecks electricity, water and hair dye (when I go gray). Yes, I have learned, but one of my biggest lessons has been that you can't just dig a hole in the ground, throw a plant in there and expect much.
Then one day I realized that life's lessons can be learned in the garden. You can't succeed in school if you just show up. You have to get your hands dirty, open a book, study, read, absorb.
If you want the best career, you don't do that by being stagnant and uninspired. Many people start relationships by thinking that they can just dig a hole, sit in it and expect it to flourish.
With all of these things, it's first about the intention. If you don't know what you want to grow, how will you know what to plant? Once that is decided, you must make the proper preparations, the right ingredients and optimal "growing" conditions.
Then you carefully plant your ideas, hopes and dreams, because doing so quickly could ruin all of the prep work.
Now the work has been done, many will just go inside their comfortable homes and wait for something to happen. But, there are those that stay outside, brave the rain, the drought, the harsh sun, the floods, and the insects. And, let's not forget those "pests" that show up after you have done all this work, sneak in when you aren't looking and run off with your hard work.
But those that hang in there are the ones that produce the bountiful harvest.
Put your efforts into anything that you really care about and want to be successful, no one else can do it for you, and ignorance is death to growth. And don't forget that the easy thing (running to the store and buying a plant someone else has grown) may be quick, have instant gratification but not nearly the same sense of satisfaction.
Life and or gardening is not easy, but as your parents and grandparents told you, nothing worthwhile ever is!
What I have learned over the years is how little I know. I make mistakes every single year and each one makes me a better gardener. I know how to plant the fastest growing tomatoes in the area. I have learned that my neighbors horses can be my gardens best friend. I have learned that it is cheaper to buy your own annuals than to try to be a superstar and grow them by seeds and spend half a paychecks electricity, water and hair dye (when I go gray). Yes, I have learned, but one of my biggest lessons has been that you can't just dig a hole in the ground, throw a plant in there and expect much.
Then one day I realized that life's lessons can be learned in the garden. You can't succeed in school if you just show up. You have to get your hands dirty, open a book, study, read, absorb.
If you want the best career, you don't do that by being stagnant and uninspired. Many people start relationships by thinking that they can just dig a hole, sit in it and expect it to flourish.
With all of these things, it's first about the intention. If you don't know what you want to grow, how will you know what to plant? Once that is decided, you must make the proper preparations, the right ingredients and optimal "growing" conditions.
Then you carefully plant your ideas, hopes and dreams, because doing so quickly could ruin all of the prep work.
Now the work has been done, many will just go inside their comfortable homes and wait for something to happen. But, there are those that stay outside, brave the rain, the drought, the harsh sun, the floods, and the insects. And, let's not forget those "pests" that show up after you have done all this work, sneak in when you aren't looking and run off with your hard work.
But those that hang in there are the ones that produce the bountiful harvest.
Put your efforts into anything that you really care about and want to be successful, no one else can do it for you, and ignorance is death to growth. And don't forget that the easy thing (running to the store and buying a plant someone else has grown) may be quick, have instant gratification but not nearly the same sense of satisfaction.
Life and or gardening is not easy, but as your parents and grandparents told you, nothing worthwhile ever is!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Age is relative
I use this title not because I see my youth fading (which is certainly is), but because those 3 little words mean way more than physical beauty or vibrancy.
I am the mother of 4 grown children, and as such I can say that the infant I met and held in my arms, is the person I know today.
If you don't understand what I mean about "old souls", you will not understand this entire post. Before you become offended that I don't believe in God, I do. AND, I believe in second chances. I believe there is a possibility that we might travel through several lifetimes until we "get it".
My oldest son who is now 31, startled his young mother by continuously by remarking out the clear blue "when I was big", often when exposed to something new or visiting a place he had never been. That didn't happen with his siblings or anyone else I have known.
Each of my children are as different as snowflakes are to sand. I see the same thing in my Grandchildren.
Even as a young child, I felt like I "got it". By that I mean, when I saw little kids my age doing the wrong thing, or teasing another child, or making destructive decisions, I couldn't understand why. I don't necessarily think that it is all about how you are raised, because I see siblings that are so distinctly different with the same parents that that theory is disproved.
I would always chose to spend time with my Grandfather and older sister, than any of the neighborhood kids. I was in awe of his "old soul". There was a wisdom in his eyes and actions that was undeniable. He didn't need anyone to tell him who he was, or what he needed to accomplish, he just knew. He was kind, never boastful, he was generous, but never asked, he was artistic, but praised attempts at creativity.
He taught me the simple pleasures of life...quiet music, the smell of the earth, the excitement you feel when something that you plant and nurture grows, whether in the garden or in your home.
Being accomplished has nothing to do with the amount of money you make, the way you look, the possessions you accumulate, the number of times you see your name in print, or the praise you receive from anyone. It can be measured by the how often someone seeks out your company, or by the look of joy in your children or grandchildren eyes when you walk into a room, and especially how many times people seek you, and your advice.
You can't demand love and respect but you can foster it with your actions and your spirit.
Why do we think that what makes us successful is what we hear about ourselves? Find your inner praise, it comes when you do the right thing. Do a check list of your life and see where you were a giver and when you were a taker.
I guess the best that any of use can hope for is that we have love and are loveable, that we make ourselves not appreciated but appreciable, and not praised but worthy of praise.
How many more "practice" lifetimes do you have before you are an old soul?
I am the mother of 4 grown children, and as such I can say that the infant I met and held in my arms, is the person I know today.
If you don't understand what I mean about "old souls", you will not understand this entire post. Before you become offended that I don't believe in God, I do. AND, I believe in second chances. I believe there is a possibility that we might travel through several lifetimes until we "get it".
My oldest son who is now 31, startled his young mother by continuously by remarking out the clear blue "when I was big", often when exposed to something new or visiting a place he had never been. That didn't happen with his siblings or anyone else I have known.
Each of my children are as different as snowflakes are to sand. I see the same thing in my Grandchildren.
Even as a young child, I felt like I "got it". By that I mean, when I saw little kids my age doing the wrong thing, or teasing another child, or making destructive decisions, I couldn't understand why. I don't necessarily think that it is all about how you are raised, because I see siblings that are so distinctly different with the same parents that that theory is disproved.
I would always chose to spend time with my Grandfather and older sister, than any of the neighborhood kids. I was in awe of his "old soul". There was a wisdom in his eyes and actions that was undeniable. He didn't need anyone to tell him who he was, or what he needed to accomplish, he just knew. He was kind, never boastful, he was generous, but never asked, he was artistic, but praised attempts at creativity.
He taught me the simple pleasures of life...quiet music, the smell of the earth, the excitement you feel when something that you plant and nurture grows, whether in the garden or in your home.
Being accomplished has nothing to do with the amount of money you make, the way you look, the possessions you accumulate, the number of times you see your name in print, or the praise you receive from anyone. It can be measured by the how often someone seeks out your company, or by the look of joy in your children or grandchildren eyes when you walk into a room, and especially how many times people seek you, and your advice.
You can't demand love and respect but you can foster it with your actions and your spirit.
Why do we think that what makes us successful is what we hear about ourselves? Find your inner praise, it comes when you do the right thing. Do a check list of your life and see where you were a giver and when you were a taker.
I guess the best that any of use can hope for is that we have love and are loveable, that we make ourselves not appreciated but appreciable, and not praised but worthy of praise.
How many more "practice" lifetimes do you have before you are an old soul?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Who....ME?!
Self awareness is the most important attribute you start to gain as you age. Or at least some do. If we were given a piece of paper and asked to write the top 10 things that describe ourselves, how well do you think they would match with the 10 things everyone would write about us? Now, don't get me wrong, I never want anyone to live their lives to impress anyone else, although we are all guilty. There is an old saying that says, "you would stop worrying about what everyone thinks about you if you knew how rarely they do". I am talking about deep down truths. It's hard to do, shining a light on oneself is sometimes painful.
We would all like to rattle off the things we learned as a child in girl or boy scouts, honest, trustworthy, etc. But how many would be brave enough to go to the core of who we are a person?
I am impatient, I know it, recognize it, and try to work on it, but it's still there. I am a bit of a slob, I always have 10 projects going and run out of time to clean them all up. I like shopping way more than I should, although with my Ebay business, I have produced an excuse. I hate confrontation, sometimes to my own detriment and those around me. I would always rather ignore things and hope they will go away. I feel a need to fix broken people, and it has hurt me in my life probably more than anything else.
Now, what I will tell you is, I have been that way from a very small child. What does this mean? People fundamentally do not change. Sure, we get better at hiding it, or may honestly be aware and working on it, but we don't really change much deep down.
How can we use this information? Well, if you are dating someone and they tell you, "I am selfish, and have lived my life for me for so long, that I don't know how I would be in a relationship"....believe them. AND, if you don't, then don't complain, you were told. If someone tells you, "I have a temper and I have a had time controlling it", believe them. If you are an employer and hiring someone, if the applicant says "I left those last 2 jobs because I didn't agree with their management style", trust me, give it 3 months and they will be saying the same about you.
This realization is important when you chose a mate, a friend,an employer, an employee, a church, a political party and on and on.
People tell you loud and clear who they are if you give them enough time. You can't love them out of it, you can't be controlling enough to stop it.
It is like an addict trying to get sober, but really don't recognize themselves as an addict. We all want to think we are in control, but are we really? That is why the #4 step in AA says and I quote, 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Don't we all need to do that? The 12 steps have lessons for all of us, even if we don't have an alcohol addiction. You can substitute your vices in all the lines of each step posted below.
It is all about growth, self awareness and personal responsibility.
THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become
unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we
understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature
of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make
amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do
so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly
admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with
God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us
and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to
carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our
affairs.
Copyright A.A. World Services, Inc.
We would all like to rattle off the things we learned as a child in girl or boy scouts, honest, trustworthy, etc. But how many would be brave enough to go to the core of who we are a person?
I am impatient, I know it, recognize it, and try to work on it, but it's still there. I am a bit of a slob, I always have 10 projects going and run out of time to clean them all up. I like shopping way more than I should, although with my Ebay business, I have produced an excuse. I hate confrontation, sometimes to my own detriment and those around me. I would always rather ignore things and hope they will go away. I feel a need to fix broken people, and it has hurt me in my life probably more than anything else.
Now, what I will tell you is, I have been that way from a very small child. What does this mean? People fundamentally do not change. Sure, we get better at hiding it, or may honestly be aware and working on it, but we don't really change much deep down.
How can we use this information? Well, if you are dating someone and they tell you, "I am selfish, and have lived my life for me for so long, that I don't know how I would be in a relationship"....believe them. AND, if you don't, then don't complain, you were told. If someone tells you, "I have a temper and I have a had time controlling it", believe them. If you are an employer and hiring someone, if the applicant says "I left those last 2 jobs because I didn't agree with their management style", trust me, give it 3 months and they will be saying the same about you.
This realization is important when you chose a mate, a friend,an employer, an employee, a church, a political party and on and on.
People tell you loud and clear who they are if you give them enough time. You can't love them out of it, you can't be controlling enough to stop it.
It is like an addict trying to get sober, but really don't recognize themselves as an addict. We all want to think we are in control, but are we really? That is why the #4 step in AA says and I quote, 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Don't we all need to do that? The 12 steps have lessons for all of us, even if we don't have an alcohol addiction. You can substitute your vices in all the lines of each step posted below.
It is all about growth, self awareness and personal responsibility.
THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become
unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we
understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature
of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make
amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do
so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly
admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with
God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us
and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to
carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our
affairs.
Copyright A.A. World Services, Inc.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Who do we fear?
Those that feel this way can NOT believe in the same God that I do. This poor misguided young woman is as misguided as are the extremists that follow Osama Bin Laden. As I watch this, my heart felt like she was calling God a terrorist!
Whose opinion do we value? Whose God is the "right" God? Isn't God, God? Maybe we call him by different names, but shouldn't they all mean love? Do you think those that practice Buddhism are not as good of a person as a Protestant?
The massive numbers of religions in the world all really revolve around one thing. A divine creator, but when it turns to ugliness and people kill in the name of God, I am as saddened and discouraged as I am sure He would be.
Have any of us ever met someone with this girls rhetoric, or a vengeful heart (in the name of any religion) and left their presence thinking, wow, did I just meet a man (or woman) of God? But, have you met a simple soul, who doesn't have a harsh, judgmental bone in their body, that has had the worst that this life can offer, and left their presence with filled with the spirit of whatever greater power that you believe in.
This type of misguided individuals need to stop thinking that there is only one name for God, there isn't.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
That didn't hurt!!
Last week President and Mrs. Obama addressed what I believe is one of the most important issues of our time. Bullying. I happened to see the video posted by a friend on Facebook, and then saw the first response. Their advice, suck it up, toughen up and why is the government getting involved anyway? Well, you can imagine how well that went over with me! He and I proceeded into taking over her post and discussed the issue for over an hour. I'm not sure that I made any inroads in his opinion, but I assure you he made none in mine.
Bullies are truly homegrown. Rarely is one born with these tendencies. Did they see Dad or Mom verbally abuse one another? Did they hang out in a neighborhood where someone "ran" the block? Did they attend camp where a counselor tried to get their power by diminishing theirs? Or maybe a daycare center with less than enthusiastic workers? More times than not though, whatever they saw outside the home was repeated inside.
Do we as adults not realize how much those little ears hear? Harsh words that we later forget, embed themselves in those little brains. How about when we drive the car with them in the back and have "conversations" when someone cuts us off or isn't driving quite quickly enough for our schedule, or jump in that parking spot that we have been waiting for? Then boy, aren't we shocked when a word is used by them at play and we are shocked and wonder, where did they learn language like that?!
Bullying is different that when I grew up, and if you are reading this, more than likely you as well. It is much, much worse. We could go home to our parents, who would then call the other child's parents. They would have a discussion, most of the time, apologizes were made, punishment was handed out and things got better.
That is not the case today. Let's talk about the old playground bullies. If our child comes home now, we call the other child's parents and hear, "not my child!". Some parents have become so disconnected from their children that they have no idea how they relate to other children. Have we gotten to busy to have the talks about empathy with our children. I know that my children would attest to the fact that the most common phrase from their Mom was "how would that make you feel?". If that didn't work and I heard bullying amongst my 4 (and who hasn't bullied a sibling) my solution was to make them stop, look at the offended child and say 3 nice things about them. Sometimes it took 20 minutes for them to come up with them, but eventually they did. Not to blow my own horn, but all of them are incredibly empathic adults.
Today, things have changed. The bullies can hide behind a keyboard or an iphone. One post on the internet can change someones life and ruin their reputation. Imagine your daughter going to school after turning down a date with a young man. Suddenly everyone is looking at her in the halls, snickering as they sit behind her in class. She then finds that "someone" has photo shopped her face on the image of a naked women. I'm not great on the computer, but I can even do that. He goes to a computer that can't be tracked, creates a fake facebook page and bam, the image is in front of all of her school mates and passed around like wildfire. How do you confront a bully you can't see? And don't we all love gossip or scandal? Check out the numbers daily that read Perez Hilton or thedirty.com.
Kids are all just looking to find their place, to make some kind of name for themselves.
I watched my young son as I moved him from his birth home to a new school at age 8 struggle with bullying. He was such an outgoing kid and might I say, slightly flamboyant :)That certainly didn't sit well with the mostly farming, rural minded kids at his new school. Just as an example, the first day of school, the announcements mentioned that the beginning of hunting season was not an excused absence.
As his school "career" went along, and middle school came along, then high school, his sisters tried to tell him, "just act normal". I was taught a lesson as his Mother when his reply was "this place is this much of my life (as he held his finger and thumb very close together", and I will not be anything, or anyone other than I am". I can tell you, they all came around! At his graduation, he had more applause than anyone and a standing ovation by his fellow students.
Bullying suicides is one of the leading causes of death in the LGBT community. Unacceptable! But I have heard members of my own family making fun of anyone by using the phrase "you're so gay!".
Strength starts at home, compassion and empathy starts at home, an apologetic and sympathetic heart starts at home. Ask your children what went on at school today and not just in passing. Sit down, look them in the eyes when they answer. You might see something you haven't before and start a dialogue. How many times have you watched a stunned parent on television saying they had no idea that anything was going on with their child, shortly after they took their life?
I know we are very busy, but those conversations with your child truly might keep you from being one of those parents.
AND, almost more importantly, if another parent or your child's school approaches your with the information that your child might be bullying, pay attention. I know it's hard to think that your child could be involved, but that is information that there is something going on in their lives too.
Sure you can toughen up our kids or teach them to suck it up, but who wants another unfeeling person out there? Because isn't that what toughen up means? The only people that will benefit from that are psychiatrists, drug companies, and those that build our prisons.
Bullies are truly homegrown. Rarely is one born with these tendencies. Did they see Dad or Mom verbally abuse one another? Did they hang out in a neighborhood where someone "ran" the block? Did they attend camp where a counselor tried to get their power by diminishing theirs? Or maybe a daycare center with less than enthusiastic workers? More times than not though, whatever they saw outside the home was repeated inside.
Do we as adults not realize how much those little ears hear? Harsh words that we later forget, embed themselves in those little brains. How about when we drive the car with them in the back and have "conversations" when someone cuts us off or isn't driving quite quickly enough for our schedule, or jump in that parking spot that we have been waiting for? Then boy, aren't we shocked when a word is used by them at play and we are shocked and wonder, where did they learn language like that?!
Bullying is different that when I grew up, and if you are reading this, more than likely you as well. It is much, much worse. We could go home to our parents, who would then call the other child's parents. They would have a discussion, most of the time, apologizes were made, punishment was handed out and things got better.
That is not the case today. Let's talk about the old playground bullies. If our child comes home now, we call the other child's parents and hear, "not my child!". Some parents have become so disconnected from their children that they have no idea how they relate to other children. Have we gotten to busy to have the talks about empathy with our children. I know that my children would attest to the fact that the most common phrase from their Mom was "how would that make you feel?". If that didn't work and I heard bullying amongst my 4 (and who hasn't bullied a sibling) my solution was to make them stop, look at the offended child and say 3 nice things about them. Sometimes it took 20 minutes for them to come up with them, but eventually they did. Not to blow my own horn, but all of them are incredibly empathic adults.
Today, things have changed. The bullies can hide behind a keyboard or an iphone. One post on the internet can change someones life and ruin their reputation. Imagine your daughter going to school after turning down a date with a young man. Suddenly everyone is looking at her in the halls, snickering as they sit behind her in class. She then finds that "someone" has photo shopped her face on the image of a naked women. I'm not great on the computer, but I can even do that. He goes to a computer that can't be tracked, creates a fake facebook page and bam, the image is in front of all of her school mates and passed around like wildfire. How do you confront a bully you can't see? And don't we all love gossip or scandal? Check out the numbers daily that read Perez Hilton or thedirty.com.
Kids are all just looking to find their place, to make some kind of name for themselves.
I watched my young son as I moved him from his birth home to a new school at age 8 struggle with bullying. He was such an outgoing kid and might I say, slightly flamboyant :)That certainly didn't sit well with the mostly farming, rural minded kids at his new school. Just as an example, the first day of school, the announcements mentioned that the beginning of hunting season was not an excused absence.
As his school "career" went along, and middle school came along, then high school, his sisters tried to tell him, "just act normal". I was taught a lesson as his Mother when his reply was "this place is this much of my life (as he held his finger and thumb very close together", and I will not be anything, or anyone other than I am". I can tell you, they all came around! At his graduation, he had more applause than anyone and a standing ovation by his fellow students.
Bullying suicides is one of the leading causes of death in the LGBT community. Unacceptable! But I have heard members of my own family making fun of anyone by using the phrase "you're so gay!".
Strength starts at home, compassion and empathy starts at home, an apologetic and sympathetic heart starts at home. Ask your children what went on at school today and not just in passing. Sit down, look them in the eyes when they answer. You might see something you haven't before and start a dialogue. How many times have you watched a stunned parent on television saying they had no idea that anything was going on with their child, shortly after they took their life?
I know we are very busy, but those conversations with your child truly might keep you from being one of those parents.
AND, almost more importantly, if another parent or your child's school approaches your with the information that your child might be bullying, pay attention. I know it's hard to think that your child could be involved, but that is information that there is something going on in their lives too.
Sure you can toughen up our kids or teach them to suck it up, but who wants another unfeeling person out there? Because isn't that what toughen up means? The only people that will benefit from that are psychiatrists, drug companies, and those that build our prisons.
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