That didn't hurt!!

Last week President and Mrs. Obama addressed what I believe is one of the most important issues of our time. Bullying. I happened to see the video posted by a friend on Facebook, and then saw the first response. Their advice, suck it up, toughen up and why is the government getting involved anyway? Well, you can imagine how well that went over with me! He and I proceeded into taking over her post and discussed the issue for over an hour. I'm not sure that I made any inroads in his opinion, but I assure you he made none in mine.
Bullies are truly homegrown. Rarely is one born with these tendencies. Did they see Dad or Mom verbally abuse one another? Did they hang out in a neighborhood where someone "ran" the block? Did they attend camp where a counselor tried to get their power by diminishing theirs? Or maybe a daycare center with less than enthusiastic workers? More times than not though, whatever they saw outside the home was repeated inside.
Do we as adults not realize how much those little ears hear? Harsh words that we later forget, embed themselves in those little brains. How about when we drive the car with them in the back and have "conversations" when someone cuts us off or isn't driving quite quickly enough for our schedule, or jump in that parking spot that we have been waiting for? Then boy, aren't we shocked when a word is used by them at play and we are shocked and wonder, where did they learn language like that?!
Bullying is different that when I grew up, and if you are reading this, more than likely you as well. It is much, much worse. We could go home to our parents, who would then call the other child's parents. They would have a discussion, most of the time, apologizes were made, punishment was handed out and things got better.
That is not the case today. Let's talk about the old playground bullies. If our child comes home now, we call the other child's parents and hear, "not my child!". Some parents have become so disconnected from their children that they have no idea how they relate to other children. Have we gotten to busy to have the talks about empathy with our children. I know that my children would attest to the fact that the most common phrase from their Mom was "how would that make you feel?". If that didn't work and I heard bullying amongst my 4 (and who hasn't bullied a sibling) my solution was to make them stop, look at the offended child and say 3 nice things about them. Sometimes it took 20 minutes for them to come up with them, but eventually they did. Not to blow my own horn, but all of them are incredibly empathic adults.
Today, things have changed. The bullies can hide behind a keyboard or an iphone. One post on the internet can change someones life and ruin their reputation. Imagine your daughter going to school after turning down a date with a young man. Suddenly everyone is looking at her in the halls, snickering as they sit behind her in class. She then finds that "someone" has photo shopped her face on the image of a naked women. I'm not great on the computer, but I can even do that. He goes to a computer that can't be tracked, creates a fake facebook page and bam, the image is in front of all of her school mates and passed around like wildfire. How do you confront a bully you can't see? And don't we all love gossip or scandal? Check out the numbers daily that read Perez Hilton or thedirty.com.

Kids are all just looking to find their place, to make some kind of name for themselves.
I watched my young son as I moved him from his birth home to a new school at age 8 struggle with bullying. He was such an outgoing kid and might I say, slightly flamboyant :)That certainly didn't sit well with the mostly farming, rural minded kids at his new school. Just as an example, the first day of school, the announcements mentioned that the beginning of hunting season was not an excused absence.
As his school "career" went along, and middle school came along, then high school, his sisters tried to tell him, "just act normal". I was taught a lesson as his Mother when his reply was "this place is this much of my life (as he held his finger and thumb very close together", and I will not be anything, or anyone other than I am". I can tell you, they all came around! At his graduation, he had more applause than anyone and a standing ovation by his fellow students.
Bullying suicides is one of the leading causes of death in the LGBT community. Unacceptable! But I have heard members of my own family making fun of anyone by using the phrase "you're so gay!".
Strength starts at home, compassion and empathy starts at home, an apologetic and sympathetic heart starts at home. Ask your children what went on at school today and not just in passing. Sit down, look them in the eyes when they answer. You might see something you haven't before and start a dialogue. How many times have you watched a stunned parent on television saying they had no idea that anything was going on with their child, shortly after they took their life?
I know we are very busy, but those conversations with your child truly might keep you from being one of those parents.
AND, almost more importantly, if another parent or your child's school approaches your with the information that your child might be bullying, pay attention. I know it's hard to think that your child could be involved, but that is information that there is something going on in their lives too.
Sure you can toughen up our kids or teach them to suck it up, but who wants another unfeeling person out there? Because isn't that what toughen up means? The only people that will benefit from that are psychiatrists, drug companies, and those that build our prisons.